Find Your Remedy in Chocolate

By Kaydee Monsey

Studies conducted by the NRNF (Not Real Nutrition Foundation), conclude that due to chocolate growing on trees, it is undeniably healthy to consume. Valentine’s Day is here and chocolate seems to be the biggest deal of the holiday, especially for those who find themselves in a pit of despair. Now, you can eat all the chocolate you want without any issue! President and founder of NRNF, Michael Scott, states that, “only about 20% percent of our final results showed any sort of benefit to consuming mass amounts of chocolate…” he later went on to explain how 20% is better than 10% and also stated to, “eat more chocolate.” With such credible information, how could one not be interested in the benefits?

crazy-chocolateEverybody binges, whether it be white, milk, or dark chocolate. So why keep telling yourself to quit? “Health professionals have no idea what it even tastes like because they are trained to poison every client’s mind with the idea that chocolate is unhealthy,” clarifies Michael Scott.

With such loneliness comes an even more lonely side of questions from your family asking why you’re always crying. According to the NRNF, when ingested, chocolate gives off feel good endorphins and makes your day a whole lot better. Any kind of chocolate is edible any time of the day and will actually keep you young, counteract
oxidative stress (whatever that is), regulate blood pressure, and keep atherosclerosis to a minimum.

According to this doctor I found on a dating app, chocolate has, “many bad effects,” such as; diabetes and cavities, or gastroesophageal reflux and bits of caffeine which, I guess, doesn’t have any positive effects? NOBODY wants to hear that chocolate isn’t good for you, so I had to swipe left.

The NRNF is the most credible resource available right now and even Brad Pitt has stated, “After my split with Angelina all I could think about was how to get over it, but thanks to the NRNF I don’t find myself reaching for the bottle on the table anymore.” He is also quoted saying, “I totally support the NRNF and their attempt to get the news out there about the fantastic effects of chocolate.”

Mr. Scott also gave some tips on how to properly consume chocolate:

  • Completely ignore the professionals warning, they don’t know what they’re talking about.  
  • Buy chocolate bars in bulk.
  • When bingeing, do so in the dark, this way nobody will judge you.
  • Don’t think twice about putting yourself in a Choco-coma, Shia LaBeouf even states, “Just do it!”
  • And don’t date a doctor, or use any kind of dating app where you might find one (they’ll just hurt you more when they tell you no.)

So this Valentine’s Day, make sure to keep that broken heart of yours in the corner where nobody can heal it. Consume all the chocolate you can afford, hide in the dark, and wallow in self pity because you never knew that chocolate was this healthy.

Featured Image: By congerdesign [public domain] via Pixabay

By: noirlily [public domain] via Pixabay

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